I grew up in a very critical household and those feelings of criticism exist within me. I had to unlearn criticizing myself and others. I had to unlearn hating myself—-unlearning the desire for my existence to fade away—-and unlearning the suicidal thoughts. Its been a process but even now I think for the first time in a while I heard the words “I hate myself” begin to pop up in my head and I dismissed it. I always tend to feel this way after I get off the phone with my mom or sister. Talking to them reminds me of who I was before I escaped them and learned to love myself. Being a victim of gaslighting I still also have to unlearn feelings of guilt and cognitive dissonance. I have to remind myself that I do deserve better and that I have the right to my own feelings and that I am not crazy.

I still talk to my mom on the phone now, after I told her to stop screaming at me and scolding me over the phone for no reason shes stopped and now everything is surreal. I cannot tell whether or not she is just acting or is trying to make up for lost times and develop a relationship. My instincts tell me its an act, and everything within my core makes me feel as if I am crazy again. This is the result of gaslighting—-when someone’s emotional & psychological abuse runs so deep that when they flip on their kindness like a switch you feel as if you were imagining everything all along.

I will forgive, but I won’t forget.

I fall in love with the idea of loving someone and what I want them to be. I am still working on my issues with idealization and forgetting that other people have flaws. I like to change people—-but for the better. I see the way a person dresses and if it isnt flattering I always give options and opinions about it. If you are dating me then you can’t walk around with me looking like you’re homeless. I’m shallow and thats okay. I have standards and I am controlling and I like things to be a certain way. Thats okay too. I’m really sweet and loving but at the same time, immensely overbearing. Thats okay. I’m okay. Because if you can’t handle it then thats your problem. I accept me and my inability to love completely. I see myself and my flaws and I am working on them. I am working on loving a person’s mind first and not jumping into things head first. I am learning. I want to find someone that I genuinely love, because I don’t think that I’ve ever truly loved anyone. I just fell in love with the idea of what I wanted them to be.

I love rainy days, the seats are covered with rain and the streets are clear and filled with those who only have places to go. People move and trudge forward, never lingering in one place or cluttering the streets with a lack of purpose. They move with direction, towards their next destination, trying to escape the discomfort of rain.

I for one, find it peaceful—-for the rainy days clear out the streets and all is silent. The world is pure again. No more anger, upset, or pain. Everyone is silenced by the rain. Everything is calm. I can breathe again.

Self

In the process of finding myself. Slowly but surely.

I want to explore the deepest darkest recesses of my being.
I will not run away from myself anymore nor conform to or be controlled by society’s standard of beauty.

I will be myself, without a care in the world of what those around me feel about it. I here by dub myself a work in a progress.