I grew up in a very critical household and those feelings of criticism exist within me. I had to unlearn criticizing myself and others. I had to unlearn hating myself—-unlearning the desire for my existence to fade away—-and unlearning the suicidal thoughts. Its been a process but even now I think for the first time in a while I heard the words “I hate myself” begin to pop up in my head and I dismissed it. I always tend to feel this way after I get off the phone with my mom or sister. Talking to them reminds me of who I was before I escaped them and learned to love myself. Being a victim of gaslighting I still also have to unlearn feelings of guilt and cognitive dissonance. I have to remind myself that I do deserve better and that I have the right to my own feelings and that I am not crazy.
I still talk to my mom on the phone now, after I told her to stop screaming at me and scolding me over the phone for no reason shes stopped and now everything is surreal. I cannot tell whether or not she is just acting or is trying to make up for lost times and develop a relationship. My instincts tell me its an act, and everything within my core makes me feel as if I am crazy again. This is the result of gaslighting—-when someone’s emotional & psychological abuse runs so deep that when they flip on their kindness like a switch you feel as if you were imagining everything all along.
I will forgive, but I won’t forget.